Look at me
by ginky
Summary: Quinn just a selfish girl who wanted to get whatever she wanted.She wanted Rachel to look at her,whatever it takes.Slushies,insults,whatever.But what would happen if she lost Rachel?what she would do? Quinn pov
1. Chapter 1

Look at me

I knew that from the day I first walked in the MC high I lay my eyes on Rachel Berry. A girl with animal sweater and plain skirt, who smile like the first light of sunrise, whose eyes like the warmest thing in the world ,so warm that could mad the ice melt into water in December.

I knew this girl since I transferred toLimaprimacy school. She was the first person I meet. She beam at me , introduced herself and show me where is the classroom I supposed to attend. I like her smiling at me , I like the way she ranted. But just when I saw how she been treated by other students , I knew that I could not befriend with her.

But when I walked in the MC high,with my head held up like the queen bee in the teens movie,I knew that I finally find a way to approach her. Slushies pouring over her face I laughed with my friends Santana and Brittany. Rachel wiped the ice away, she look shocked. And then, she looked form the ground to me. She look at me. There was nothing in her eyes, but at same time there were so many emotion in her eyes. I just smirked. I like her look at me. I knew that she was about to standing in front of me and said her usual speech about how is that action is not appreciate .

She said nothing . Then she bowed her head and walked away.

My smirk dropped. I don't understand. Why didn't she come to me? Why she just walked away? How could she do this?

Lately I got the knowledge about how people would act when they been slushied. They would shocked ,of course, and then rush to the nearest restroom get clean and change. They wouldn't argue it. Such a change compared with the primacy school.

I didn't like it. I hated it . I hated Rachel not argue with me. I hated Rachel walked away from me. I hated that she would turn to some loser like the Asian child or the girly boy or somebody else but me. It's just not the way Rachel used to do. When we were younger, she would do anything to stand up for herself and any other victims.

People changed. I knew that. I just didn't like that. I liked that bad people changed to good, brave guys changed to been afraid of every simple thing. I liked seeing people changed by their surrounding and other's influence. But I hated when Rachel was one of them.

But I still wan to approach her somehow. I want see her everyday. I hated everyone slushied her ,even Santana. I didn't tell her that, but she stopped slushing Rachel one day. Then I had to see some stupid jerk doing that thing. I hated to see that so I got my everyday routine No.1—slushied Rachel Berry. Every morning I walked in the hall, slushie in one hand, searching for my target. My favorite target.

Then she looked at me, with her beautiful warm eyes. She got her locker after , rushing to the nearest restroom. Kindly I did her a favor—I slushied her four feet away from her locker, always. I had a good mood all day, except that I see her been slushied by some stupid football players. Anyway I would got a extra slushied for her., claiming that she was still my own target.

I slushied her, I insulted her, I punched her to the locker, I shut her locker to insulted her—I would do anything to startled her to make her look at me. With her chocolate brown eyes.

That was the second day of my sophomore year. I was not happy. I was furious. I beat the jerk who accidently run into me. I was sure him would had bruise on his back for I punched him into lockers.

Rachel was nowhere to found. Two day was too long. It seemed to be forever. I feltthere was a twist in my heart. Feeling uneasy, I walked through the hall whenever I got a chance. I checked every restroom in my free period and each time I got in. I even accidently rushed into the choir room. No , not there. Not anywhere.

My favorite target was transferred. To some underworld school.

Santana soon found a new target to insult. Even jerks found the girl boy was more interesting. I refused to do so. I just wanted my own target. I just wanted Rachel Berry. But she was gone. I couldn't make her look at me like a deer in the light. I couldn't see her beautiful deep brown eyes looking at me. I didn't even bother to make fun of her stupid friend. I knew that she wouldn't look at me with disappointed eyes after I slushied the Asian girl. I knew that she wouldn't look at me with sorrowful eyes when I insulted the girl boy. She wouldn't look at me with those emotions deep inside her eyes. She was no where to found. She was gone.

And her laughing which just as free and amazing as her singing. And her smile. Always smiling so shining and happy and warm and sweet…I lost my favorite. I was lost.

There was only one way I could see her again. The Myspace vedio, which I used to leave so many insults and sarcasms, now was my only way to see her. I watched these vedios over and over. I remembered of something I thought I totally forget: the very first day she beamed at me, how she smoothed her skirt and offered her hand to me to shake, how she gently and almost shyly bushed some hair behind her ear.

I remembered the first time I made fun of her. I laughed at her sweater and her face reddened, eyes glinting, she came to me asked me to respect to her 'personal choice'. I was still laughing, but I was happy because I made her talk to me. So I apologized. Saying such thing like 'I am sorry for your bad design taste, but anyway, I am sorry'. She wanted to pretending angry but just after two seconds she broke into giggle. Deep inside my heart I liked it when she was giggling. I knew she found this making-fun incidents were amusing.

But we grown up. Time made us apart. I observed that she got some attention from some stupid goofy-smiling guys and she paid attention to them rather than me. She didn't laugh with me when I picked her up for fun. She became pissed when I made fun of her outfit or character. She even turned around when I approached her.

So I became annoying. Annoyance came to furiousness. The making-fun incidents changed to insults. I hated she not look at me the way she used to. Then I jut hated she did not look at me.


	2. Chapter 2

2

I didn't know what come to me. One day I signed up a new Myspace name and reviewed: 'it's a lovely song'. I didn't have to look through the hundreds reviews to know that this was the first friendly review she received cause it was me who left others. She couldn't even know that I watched these video since I overheard she told the Asian girl she did it. I watched them thousands times, even when I was spending sleeping over night at Santana's. We listened to her, made fun of her emotional show face, left harsh words. Santana said Rachel was so naïve that believed that she would become the Justin kid-gonna be. "her singing just lame as her ridiculous sweaters.' I didn't say a word. Why would I say a single word to insult Rachel if she couldn't hear? If she heard it directly she must have looked at me, eyes narrowed. With she not there, there was no reason I insult her.

The day after I left the review, I got a reply. I clicked the mouse finding out that was from Rachel.

_Thank you! I love this song too! So I chose to sing it. Thank you for informing me that you like it too. you are the first person left the positive content! I am so glad you did_. : )

I felt my heart rate speed up while I looking at the words. I could almost hear the Rachel's voice flying into me ears. Automatically I imaged the bright grinning on her face, she grins at me ear to ear, so joyful. I couldn't get the vision out of my head.

I was staring at the screen thought about what to replay. Nothing. I had not talked to her in the normal way so long that I forget how to organize words. I choose not replay. I opened her newest upload. A song from some musical I didn't know.

After watching the video, I typed a new review saying 'glad you don't give up cause of those reviews. You're cool.' I sent then closed my laptop feeling like a kid stool a candy from her mother's pocket.

I was a good daughter at home. I was a good student with perfect grade. I was the HBIC in school. I was mean to everyone around me. I was even mean to my four-month boyfriend. Today I made him apologized for taking my book of my hands. But I was a nice person under a stupid username when I talked to Rachel. I only used this name with her. Lucy. My first name before I was fourteen. Then I was Quinn, the cheer leader and HBIC, who was always horrible to anyone, especially Rachel.

Now that I was Lucy again, only with Rachel, I found that I still have ability to been kind, nice and sweet. I admired her every new upload video, I even commended her looks. Her new skirt, new sweater, new haircut. But I didn't dare to mention how her eyes shining when she was singing. If that was a blue song, her eyes would become sad. I didn't mention that how confident she was now.

I didn't mention that her accidently private message brought up so much joy to me. She didn't need to know.

Rachel and I were Myspace friends now. Ironical. When she was physical beside me we were not friend. I couldn't. She was at the bottom of the social ladder. I was not. Internet had a benefit that I didn't have to lose my reputation to befriend with her. I had no afraid. I can talk to her whenever I wanted, whatever I liked.

And she replied me, sincere and concerned. We talked to each other even through classes. Some times her replies delayed a lot of time. I became restless.

"Hey, Q, calm down, you looked just like you have been teasing to death." Santana said. We were having lunch at café. I felt so impatient but had no way to get out.

"Shut up .San. Don't put your first-hand experience on me."

I started to write private message as a letter. I told Rachel how my day was going.

_**It was rain out side so I don't have to do cheerio practice. I am so happy. coach was crazy. She even wanted to fire a cheerio out of a cannon! Where did she get that ideal from? I mean, she is nowhere to be found except the playground and her office. I practically thought she lived in her office. **_

_She sounds like the coach from my old school. Are the cheerio coachs all that insane? I don't know you are a cheerio, but congratulation! Thus you don't have to worry about been picked on. May I ask you that why you are interested in my music videps when you apparently have something more fun to do?_

Cause I wanted to see you. I said to myself. I wanted you to look at me even though in fact you just look into your camera.

I hated myself for the second I realized what I had actually thought it. I hated it more because that you would never look at me into my eyes again. You had no ideal how much I hated the girl Lucy because you were just her friend, not mine. Rachel Berry was not a friend of Quinn Fabray.

Rachel was not my favorite target any more. Not my favorite any more. She was living in a town in Washington State . She was in a school which special for arts students. She was not been picked on. She had some friends now though even not so close, but she was happy.

I searched her school on the internet finding that it's very famous for its glee club. Rachel was their captain and leading female. The photos of them win the national were place on the first page of their school website. I look at every photo, download the ones only have Rachel on it. She hold the trophy having her megawatts Rachel grinning on her face.

God, I missed her smile. Smile like that. Like the sun just jump out of the horizon, upon to the sky.

Meanwhile I hated her smiling like that. Had me not around her could make her so much happier than I was there.

I hated her and missed her at same while. I was pathetic. I was stupid. Why couldn't I just let it go? Why couldn't I just ignore the messages she pass to me? Why couldn't I just live my own life happily just like I used to?

I already knew the answer. But I didn't want to admit it.

Because Rachel was not here. I cannot make her look at me ever again.

She only needed a sweet friend Lucy. She still remembered the horrible cheerio leader Quinn, who made her crying to sleep. God , how could I do that to her? I didn't know she would that upset. I didn't mean to do that to her. I just wanted her look at me once.

_Did I tell you the cheerio leader of my old school named Quinn? I don't think you are as a fearful person as her. I just don't understand why became a cheerio would change a person so much. Quinn and me were not friends or something, but when we were younger ,in our primacy school, she was not mean. She would made fun of me, sure, but she was not mean. She just say something about my sweater—which I have to remind you that you had said you ' found it really amused'—like how a real giraffe could not allowed itself to bend down for a rabbit, 'you brought a sweater from a designer who knows nothing about animal'. We shared a laugh. Her giggling was sweet, so as her behavior. Once, a boy lost his balance accidently drop his steak into my meal, I almost cry at that time. Quinn was there. She pick on the piece of a dead ox toss it into the garbage, saying 'don't cry, what is gone is gone. Worry about the alive anima'. But when she got into high school, I didn't recognize her any more! She was the cheerio, yes, did it mean that she had to mean to me? _

I had no answer. So I pretended to ask why she cried for a steak._ I am vegan!_ I knew that. I knew that since we were fourteen. She lost her lunch cause some boy liked to make that lame joke. I offered she my sandwich— when I got a chance grab she into a empty classroom—she refused and gave me a speech about how exactly the poor pig been kill , which killed my appetite.

_**You were not friends? I feel that you talk about her a lot. **_

_Well, typically ,we were not. But when we were at primacy school, she was kind to me while others were too busy finding a way to pick on or ignoring me._

_**I don't know why they ignoring you. You are fun to talk to. I mean…well ,some kind of cool.**_

_Thank you! But, there are so many buts, at that time I was a poor girl who lived with two gay dads, I had no friends, except my dads I had no one to talk to. Quinn was there. She would speak to me when she thought no body around. She invented a way to speak to me. She would talked like she pick me up and made fun of me, not hurting her reputation. We had much fun then. Though I had to hide my giggle and smile. I feel a little hurt that time, for her ashamed of me. But now I just thank her for attempting to been some-kind-of-friend to me._

_**You are really the kindest person I have ever met. **_

I meant it. Rachel was the kindest, sweetest, most forgiving person I had ever met. But could it be possible that she forgive me as well? Forgive that the mean cheerleader , head bitch in charge, ice queen, Quinn Fabray?


	3. Chapter 3

3

After graduation Rachel went to Julliard. She got a role in one off-broadway show at the same time. Not leading female, but she got a role, which meant she was exactly an actress now. When she told me that I could sensed the exciting and joy in her words. I went to the NYU for literature. I wanted to be a writer.

Maybe someday, maybe I could write a musical of which Rachel could be the leading. But, no, I was not good at musical lines. Maybe a film. I was good at words. I can write some lame poetry. Such like 'roses are red, violent are blue, I want give you the only thing I have, the light of the new moon.' Roses, maybe I could buy some roses for her opening night. No, lilies would be better. Rachel liked lilies. She told me when she got her first rose from a stupid boy. They didn't go well, they broke up two months before graduation, which made me incredible happy.

She flied to New York three days before me. When I got her message says 'I am standing in front of Broadway. They don't know who would storm over them!', with a photo she standing straight in her plaid skirt and owl sweater with a big smile. The sunlight poured over her hair making them shining like the sweet brown chocolate fall.

I smiled at the sight. The days before I go to New York decreased, I became more nervous. Not about the future thing.

I got my stuff to my apartment and then standing at balcony look down at the New York. It's so wonderful. Busy people passed the way at high speed. The centre park and the horses even now I cannot see. I was here. So was Rachel. Rachel was here.

I told her that I was going to NYU, she was happy for me—'then you can come to see my show!'. Like I would not.

Just while I was thinking about Rachel, my laptop beeped. I checked it finding a new message from Rachel.

I wonder that, while you and I are in the same city and will being here in a long time, maybe we should meet if it's not an unsuitable situation to you? If you turned it down it's ok. I should not ask that at second thought. You even don't want to send me your own photo. Anyway, I just wonder. Hope you having a nice day!

I stared at screen for more than five minutes. How should I reply? I had no idea.

Why I was here? I had no idea. Why I was in my write shirt and skinny jeans sitting at a table in a café looked like some dump boy waiting for their first date? I had no idea. I was nervous and it's not about future as well. Ok, it was about future. Future which would come to after twenty minutes.

Rachel would be here at anytime. She was never a late person, in deed she always went to a meeting far more before it started. She could walk through the glass door anytime. What shall I do? Perhaps I should not greet her, just sit here pretending nothing ever happen. She would not recognize me and thought Lucy set her up. Yeah, I definitely should…

And then I saw her, pushed the door open smiling defeats the sunshine behind her back.

I was sitting here looked like an idiot.

I saw her looking around to figure out who was the person who insisted that not give her a photo but would meet her at a café greeting her with surprise.

Feeling like I were like a stalker, I drive (or sense) myself stand up and walk to her. I never lost one sight of her when I walked to her. I saw her turn to me and eyes lit up like some princess in Disney movies.

"Quinn! What a surprise! What are you doing here? How…." She beamed at me while I slowly walked to her. She continually said something I hardly got.

Cause she looked at me. She looked at me with those eyes I hadn't seen for two years and three months. She. Look. At. Me.

The world was black and white. The sunshine faded its light. The noise around me became silence. Rachel was colorful. Her blue skirt (not pared with keen high socks), yellow sweater, her chocolate brown warm eyes could made the ice melt into water in December.

"….Quinn? Quinn?" her concerned voice blows me into reality. I closed my eyes inhaling deeply. Opened my eyes, I was looking at her. God, I am so nervous I cannot speak out a word.

"Are you ok? You face are pale and you lips are trembling…am I say something wrong? Did I interrupt you? Forgive me if I ….."

"No." I blurted out. Just one word was enough to release me press. "How are you doing? "

Her smile came back. She grinned at me, "I am good. I went to Julliard. I got a role in an off-broadway show. And I am here to meet a friend who I have ever met or see before…" She frowned a little. So adorable.

"Lucy." I blurted out again.

She looked at me with surprise, and then curious.

"Lucy. Lucy Quinn Fabray."

She just stared at me, blinked several times.

"Lucy was my name before I transferred to Lima. it's my first name. I changed my first name with my second name."

Then I saw that look again. Nothing in her eyes and all emotion all aroused in them at the same time.

She started to shake. Her lips were trembling and her eyelash were quivering.

"It….it's impossible…Lucy is so nice, so kind and friendly and sweet…you, you, you are Quinn…I , I ..it's impossible. It's …am I dreaming? Are you set me up? Again?"

It hurts me. Her words hurts me too much. But I had no thing to say. I couldn't explain. I can't even explain to myself.

"why do you do this? Why you, of all the people, do this?"

There was no answer and Rachel seemed to not need it. She turned around, ran outside the café before I make a move. I started to chase after her.

"Rachel! Rachel! Wait! Rachel, let me explain! Rachel! Rachel!"

She ran cross the road. The cars were all stop at sudden, cursing flying over my ears, and screaming everywhere.

Because there was a car stopped not as soon as it should and, and Rachel was hit by it.

I rushed to her who was lying on the ground blood bleeding over her back head and shoulder.

"Rachel! Rachel! Are you ok? Can you hear me? Rachel!" I must have been screamed.

She had her eyes closing tight, there are some blood on her face. I used my sleeves trying to wipe them away.

"Someone call 911! " I shouted around, "please!" I looked down at her, "Rachel, can you hear me?"

"No. .. not you…Lucy…" she murmured, "I want to see Lucy…she is sweet…she is kind…she is my friend…." The sound went quiet.

"Rachel. I am Lucy…I am! Rachel, please, please hold on. The 911 is coming. Don't …don't…Rachel! Look at me… Rachel ..look at me…." I must have been crying, cause I saw the tears dropping into Rachel's face. The blood and the tears.

"… not you… not you any more…"

She passed out.

I felt like I was dying at that second.


	4. Chapter 4

4

I was in the hospital all night. Her dads got there late at night, or early in the morning. I didn't know. I was waiting in the hall out of surgery. I ate nothing, the nurse attempted give me some food said otherwise I would passed as well. God, I was so exhausting but I just couldn't eat. Rachel was in the surgery. She was in danger and it was all because of me. Because of my stupidity.

The two men rushing into the hall and grab a nurse asking about Rachel. Their voices were broken, tears in their eyes. I slowly stood up, walked to them, introduced myself as Rachel's friend and sent her to hospital. They thanked me, which made me wanted to kill myself. They were nice men. Even with their current situation they were still very polite and kind. They asked me if I was in the hospital all night, I said yes. One of them, Leo, went get some food for themselves and me. I put them down, sitting on the bench as before. I couldn't eat. I had no sip of water too. I felt like my throat fulfilled something.

Leo and Harry asked me go home for some rest. "Dear, you are too exhausting, just go home get some sleep and food too. If there is anything happen, we should call you. Please go home. Rachel will be alright." Leo said.

So I went home. I was sitting on the floor back against the wall, pulling my keen to my chest. There were no tears in my eyes. It was September, but the room's temperature was 16 centigrade made by the AC. I didn't need chill, I just need being cold, coldness like death.

I was sitting there, thoughts flies from the accident, to the words Rachel said to me, to the exchanging we shared on the internet. I felt so stupid. How could I decide to meet her? If I didn't accept the meeting, she would have never seen me, she would have never run away and hit by a car.

Most of all, had I never tried to talk to her in the first step. I shouldn't have been Lucy again. She should been buried in the end of the earth. But it was my fault. I shouldn't have looked forward to her friendship. I should never have had the hope that she would see me as a friend, looked at me like the way when we were younger.

She would never sent me a little smile when we passed by each other, she would never slap me at arm with a slyly grin when we are alone talking to each other. She would never look at me with her sincere eyes. She ignored me like I were an evil ghost, passed my like I was air figure. She didn't listen to me, ever. I hated this so I insulted her, slushied her, pushed her into lockers.

I just wanted her look at me again.

And I fucked up.

Now I sat in the cold lonely room, feeling so despaired. I was cold from fingertips to my toes, from outside to heart. My world was grey, my soul was black.

Rachel broke two ribs, one clavicle, and her retinas been damaged by some teeny tiny glass fragment. I heard the doctor said that Rachel had to in hospital for one month cause other injury was not ascertained.

I felt like I was passed out. Because I couldn't identify any words he was saying. I saw his mouth open and close but I couldn't hear clearly.

Rachel was blind. She could never see the centre park she was so in love with. She could never see the cute animals she loved. She could never standing on the stage…she would hate me. She would hate me till the end of her life. No, to her, her life is already ended.

I knew my life is ended. Just at the second when doctor said his words. Her dads had tears in their eyes and had no idea what I did to their precious daughter. I sunk into the chair and looked at Rachel lying on the bed. She was unconscious but she would be awake in a few hours. What shall I say to her? I am sorry? I am sorry I crash your life and your dream, I am sorry that I want to be someone in your life, even just a web friend. I am sorry I was so mean to you. I am sorry that I have never really apologize to you because I am such a coward.

"….and the donators were not enough for all the blinds. So we have resigned MissBerryin the list. But when is her turn is not quite sure. Maybe in one week, maybe in a long while. I am sorry. that is what we could do. But she still has the opportunity to gain the seeing again. Here is some enchiridions about the American Council for the Blind and other NPO for blind. There would be unaccepted and difficult for her at first. Just hope not for so long. I am sorry. " the doctor said and walked outside the room.

I looked at Rachel with my dryly and bitter eyes. God, I would do anything for this girl to gain her seeing. I would do anything for her. God. I would go to hell if you give her seeing. I could be blind if Rachel could see again. I could end my life if everything went back to normal.

But that was impossible. That was not happen.

The school began, I used the money I saved from my childhood to pay my rent. I got a job at Mcdonald's to support my life. I went to hospital everyday. I standing out side the window of Rachel's room fingertip portrayed the line of her face reflected in the glass. I felt hopeless. Days after days, one and a half months passed. Rachel cried when she found out her lost her sight. She tossed and turned for the pain. She got the cup by herself and failed, the cup smashed into pieces on the floor. She cried again. Countless times. Leo hold her in his arms, so did Harry. They were in pain too. And they had to repress their sadness. Rachel couldn't see the tears on their faces. I could. And I saw the pain on my face reflected in the window.

Each day I stood outside, time flied, two hours was gone, I can't feel my legs. But I was there until I had to go home or for work. I just wanted to see her more, before she went back home.


	5. Chapter 5

5

The idea came to me when I had no preparedness.

That was a day I finished my class, walked into the hall. Then I heard one teacher who passed me said "….one person's retina could transplant to two people. each retina for one person. People can live with one eye have seeing. It's not…."

My blood was boiling, my face was burning. Yeah, yeah, it is. Have no donator doesn't matter. Waiting list doesn't matter. I am a person who can live with one eye.

I came to hospital right after my work finished. I got into the Dr. Jones's office and told him I want to be a donator.

He refused me. Of course he would. It didn't matter. I wanted to give Rachel my eye, then I would do anything to make it happen. I have money, I inherited a fortune from my grandpa two years ago, I didn't use it. I could donate the hospital so that they would accept my project.

"Ms Fabray, I have to refuse your suggest. It's your willing to donate our hospital, but I can't accept your project."

"Why do you say you can't? It's legal. An organ donator could be a person who alive. Both of my eyes are good. They can see for miles. Giving Rachel one retina is not unaccepted, I can live with one eye."

"What if any accident happen, just like what happened to Rachel? And with one eye, do you realize how much you would have some difficult in fixing on position? How about in the darkness, imaging you will reduce the seeing degree because of losing one eye."

"It's ok. I will be careful, and everyone has some difficulty and diseases. My seeing degree may reduce, just as some myopic. It will be ok, it's not so difficult to live with. But Rachel is blind. How would she go with it? She wants to be an actor, she wants to go to Broadway and storm over it. She has a gift. She is talented, genius! You must have listened her singing…." I paused, for the first time of whole time, my eyes were watering up, finally. Dr. Jones's face was unclear, I only could see his glasses glinting, reminded me of the shimmering light in one's eyes. "She must be the star, she will be. All it takes is that you sign this contract. You would bring light to Rachel. Rachel, the girl who still smiles at you when she cannot see you, the girl who is so king and sweet, the girl who sings her heart out, who writes her heart upon her sleeves, the girl who cried to sleep just because she was suffering from a stupid, terrible person but she never ever mention her to her parents. "

I wiped my tears away, seeing the doctor looked down at his desk and sighed. He took off his glasses, wiped them with hem of his white clothes. When he put glasses back and looked at me, I knew I succeeded.

He sighed again, then looked at me in the eyes, "May I know that why you do such a sacrifice to Rachel? You never got into her room, you didn't talked to her and you don't want us mention you to her. You bring her flowers and CDs and whatever , you watched her all days like the world doesn't exist. Now, you just give her you own retina. Why do you do this? "

Why? Why. I ask myself. Until now I ask myself, now I realize it was so complicated. Pleading the doctor, begging him to give my eye to Rachel. Why?

"I don't know.." I murmured.

"Do you want the Berrys to know it was you?"

"No." I say firmly. "Don't tell them, especially Rachel. She hates me, and I ….."

And I …. Just at this second, the memories fulfill my mind. I closed my eyes. I see Rachel in her plaid skirt, brushed some hair behind her ear beaming at me. That's when we first meet. Rachel was 13 and I was 14. She has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seem, she has the brightest and warmest smile I have ever see. She is the girl I played jokes when we were young. She is the girl I tortured for a whole year.

She iss the girl who has a heart for every human and animal. She is the girl I grew to knew more when she was far far away from me than she was actually with me in the same place. She iss the girl who can sing me into smile and tears. She is the girl who I talked to every single night and day.

She is the girl I will do anything only to make her look at me.

She is the girl I liked at first sight, the girl I had a crush on when she cried over a steak, the girl I fell for when she slapped me on arm grinning and saying, "you're so cheesy, Quinn."

She is the girl, who I don't realize I have loved for exactly four years.

I love her.

She hates me.

It's not fairytale. It's reality. I will do anything for her, but she will still hate me.

She would never look at me. But it's ok. She can see again, with my eye. And I can see her too. We shared my eyes, and she would never know. Quinn or Lucy, they will exit her life. They will not show up again. It's for the best. No heartbreaking anymore. No tears shed of her gorgeous eyes anymore.

But it's ok. It's fair. She can see again and I know my heart. I would never regret my decision. It's the destiny.

The moment I woke up I open my eyes. Well, it's not much different from before. I can see clear. I used one hand cover each of my eyes to check that my left retina already transplanted. I felt peaceful, and joyful. Until the dizzy feeling was gone, I pushed the calling bell. Doctor Jones was right here two minutes later.

"How, " I cleared my dry throat, "how is Rachel?"

"She is fine. Just wake up as well. She can see now, not so clear. Wait some phase of adjusting passed, she would see as clear as you are. I came from her room. Do you want to see her? " he looked at me with a little sad smile. "She will going back to sleep half an hour later. And I told her to resting her eyes more. She won't see you."

"Thank you." I whimpered.

"Oh, don't cry." I can hear his sorry for me. He put his hand on my shoulder. "You are fine. Rachel is fine. It's what you want, isn't it? "

"It's happy tears." I told him.

"A little much, uh? " he chucked a little. And I followed. I was so happy. When I saw Rachel through the window I smiled softly at the sight. I can see the smile on her face. She didn't frown. I loved the sight, how peaceful and lovely she is. She is breathtaking. She is heartbreaking.

Rachel was out of the hospital four days after the surgery. I hide behind the building cross the street, seeing her laughing with her fathers. She still had to walk slowly, but she was recovered from the accident.

I was happy now. I will always be happy when I thought of Rachel was back to fine and on the way to her dream, becominga star. When I look up to the sky, I always smile. Perhaps one day I will get over her, perhaps one day I will fall in love again. At that time, I will go after my love instead of ignoring my real feeling. I will fight for them. Perhaps at that time, I will be loved back.


	6. Chapter 6

6

The day I left Rachel behind, I decided to lead a new life. My whole life was about reputation, Rachel, my faults which causing the disaster of her and my own life. The life of past which brought about the disasters to other people was ended. I wanted to be a better person.

I was nice then. In NYU I am a good student, a friendly girl. I made friends with my classmates. Some girl really into me, of course I am good looking but also I am really kind, gentle to them. I lost my virginity to a brunette, who was smart, shorter than me, loving to dressing of skirts. New York has so much more brunette, and I nearly fall in love with each of them. Brunette, short, smart, sweet and bright smiling, I just can't help but fall for them.

Rachel lost that show cause of her accident but soon she got another. And she made it. When the show opened, I brought the ticket in first row, whereas I did not attend. I was there outside the theater, standing in the clear cold night. I was happy for her, even I cannot hear her. But I knew she made it. Everyone left the theater with a satisfied smile. I listened to their discussing about the show and how amazing it was. I hide from the bright streetlight, looking for the only brunette I wanted see the most.

She walked outside the door, laughing with some fellows. I could tell she was happy, by the way how her eyes sparking in the darkest night. Just like the stars.

I smiled as well, looking her got a cab and left. I went to a club near the theater, got drunk, slept with an unknown woman. Brunette of course. I wanted to see her so badly, I could throw myself to any brunette, just to see her in those brown eyes. What was the best thing of alcohol? It get you drunk. When you were drunk, you can see whatever you want the most and never ever get.

When I was a junior, my girlfriend Lily wanted to see a Broadway show. Wicked. At first I was very hesitated, it's a show Rachel is in. I knew it from the broadway magazines I brought every month. But finally I said yes. Yeah, I was over Rachel now so what was the harm to see a show of hers?

I sitting on the middle row waited patiently. Lily was exciting. Who can blame her? it's the best show of Broadway I mean. Rachel was talented enough to make it when she was only twenty. I sent a bunch of lilies as well as a bunch of roses to her opening night. I sent these two kind of flowers to her every opening night and last night. I even sent them when I passing the flower shops and suddenly wanted to send flowers to her.

The curtain was raising, the show began. Then I saw her, wearing the show costume.

I knew that at once. Just like I knew it the time I walked into the high school.

I can say I love you to my each girlfriend, I can say it without hesitation. I can say it as much as I wanted. But now I was here, listening to Rachel, I knew why I can say love so easy—I never have a chance to say my love to the one I want so much to say to.

Rachel was the one. Always was and always will be. I have no escape.

I said love to everyone I supposed to loved instead of saying it to the only one I never have a chance to say to.

Like a curse, even I have no idea whether it was the evil or bless, Rachel was the only one I would ever love. Rachel was the destination, Rachel was the destiny.

The crowd did not exist. My girlfriend was not beside me whispering something. Rachel was here, in front of my, singing her heart out. I knew it's impossible but I couldn't help but believed that she was singing directly to me. Her eyes were so bright, I felt like she could see me.

After the show, Lily was so exciting that she couldn't stop talking about Rachel. Just while she babbling about how Rachel was so amazing, I said, "I am sorry, but I have to break up with you."

She was stunned. "what?" she said unbelievable.

"I love someone else. I am sorry." I said tiredly. "I try to love you, but I, I just can't. I am sorry."

She looked at me stunned. I looked into her eyes. They were so different with the ones I want to see. How could I fool myself? Every woman I been with was to replace the one I really want to be with. But I can't do it anymore. I was exhausted, I fooled myself enough, I have to end it. I couldn't find a person to replace Rachel. It's not fair, to them or to me.

Lily was heartbroken. I knew it but I knew it was for the best. She didn't deserve someone like me. She deserved the love for her own.

I was standing outside the theater, like some other lonely night of these years, waiting for the one I wanted to see when I felt sad and hopeless. Like those nights I stood under a dim light of road lamp, waiting despairingly. Like those time, I knew seeing her would bring to me no peace but blue. But I waited. I would wait for the rest of my life only have the faith that I get to see Rachel, which was enough for me at that time.

But now I knew it was not enough. Rachel must in my life. It's not what I want, it's what I need. I need her more than everyone, everything.

But there was nothing I can do. Once I had her in my life, I hurt her so much. And the second time I following my heart tried to have her, I nearly lost her. I made her suffering for the blind and pain. I can never hurt her, and what I could to that is to leave her alone.

All I can do to have her in my life was hiding behind some giant garbage cans or darkness, watching her live a happily ever after without me.

Whenever I got a chance I will somehow hiding myself near the theater to see Rachel again. I followed her Facebook and twitter. She was famous among the musical fans, which I became one of. I knew how her day was going, how she rehearsed, what she doing to protect animal rights.

Déjà vu, this time I am under a name 'Charlie', read her every uploadeds, but I never replayed, only read them.

I can't afford the chance to talk to her. I can't. The only thing I can do to love her is leaving her alone.

Rachel, Rachel, the poor girl in Lima, the golden star of broadway, the light of my life, the fire of my loins. My destination, my destiny._ I loved you. I was a pentapod monster, but I loved you. I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t'aimais, je t'aimais!_

I said it to myself, I said the story of us to drunk girls in the noisy pub. Some of them were so sentimental that they shed a tear for me. But I didn't. The tears were no longer existed in my eyes, from the night I knew my fate I decided that I won't cry any more. But my sorrow was so desperate and repressed and depressed.

I can't afford to love someone else, I can't afford to love myself. However, I fell in love again, over and over again. Every night I fell in love with Rachel again. Every night in my dream, Rachel and I were together. We were young then, the May days fulfilled with sunshine, the wind was so gentle blowing my hair a little light. Rachel was smiling at me, warm eyes shining with kindness, like she always was.

I have no escape.

—

the reviews would be appriciate.


	7. Chapter 7

7

I waited outside the theater every night I was free, seeing Rachel with my own eyes. I knew it's pathetic but I can't help it. I wanted to see her so badly, I wanted her to look at me so badly. I couldn't afford the ticket for every show, but when I attended the show, I always sit on the back or the middle rows. I imagined that Rachel was looking at me, through the hundreds of people, looking into my soul.

Now I was waiting here again, after a show, in the somehow unusual warm night in March. Audiences walked into the street laughing and discussing, again, I felt so pride of Rachel. The audiences were all gone, some enthusiast fans waiting for the casts, I waited too.

Then Rachel and casts into my sight. She smiled at the fans and signed for them. The kindness, sweetness behaviors of her always show to everyone. I smiled at her, standing at the same side of street under a dim road lamp. Fans disappeared, Rachel said goodbye to her fellows, who shouted back and walked away from her. Rachel was standing by the cab smiling at their figures.

A blast of wind blowing strongly, I felt something hit my right eye. "Oh!" I screamed, trying to wipe the dust away.

"Quinn?" I heard the so familiar voice which was confused.

I can't let her see me. I can't. I turned around harshly, trying to run away while I couldn't see anything clear. My purse dropped from my shoulder to ground. I bend down searching for it. Once I got it, I stood up quickly and run.

"Quinn!" I heard Rachel screamed. Next second I felt arms around my waist pull my back.

I felt the sharp wind blowing so strong it hurting my face, unclearly I saw a car running passed inches away in front of me.

"Quinn! What are you think you're doing? You nearly hit by a car while you desperately run away! Are you blind? Don't you know what would happen? I was hit by a car, which cause my broke rips and blind! What could happen to you?"

Yeah, I was blind. I was dizzy, I felt the world upside down. I was in the arms of Rachel.

When I still couldn't say a single word, Rachel pulled away. I slowly turned around, still trying to wipe the damn dust away. Somehow, I could see a little clear, just felt a little pain in my eye. It's tearful now.

Rachel was looking at me with worried eyes, frowned. Is, is there some care in her eyes? Is she care about me enough to saved me, saved me from the car crush—save me from the unknown, despaired love for her?

"I, " I stammered, "I , I …thank you. For saving me."

"It's ok." She replied softly. She was so beautiful, her eyes glinting. I can tell she was panic now. We stood awkwardly, both lost of words.

I was trying to say something. I was trying hard to think and miserably failed. My head was in a dizzy whiteness. The surroundings were so far and obscure, the only thing clear was Rachel. I heard my heart beating, from the back of my mind there were echo, the wind was blowing, the cars rushed through the late-night dark street, some homeless dogs were wailing, the gears of the fate was operating—shadow of the fate.

The horn from the cab broke the ice of silence, Rachel and I jittered.

"um, I , have to go. The cab is waiting." said Rachel.

"Yeah, yeah, you better go." I answered sheepishly. I didn't even know what I was saying.

Rachel looked at me. Is that I imagined or is that real—the sorrow in her eyes, and the little smile to me was kind of sad? "Goodnight Quinn."

She walked to the car, got in without a second look.

I was dumbly watching the cab running away.

The air suddenly got cold compared to my blood. My eyes were tearful, my throat was under the pressure. I swallowed hardly, and clenched my teeth.

When I got home, I called Santana.

"I meet Rachel after theater, she saved me from been hit by a car. And she talked to me."

Santana was speechless for a while. It was a bad sign. Like to meet my prediction, she barked to me, "What the hell? You, trying, to, ruin, your, life, again? "

"It's not like that, I was just watching her leaving the….'

"You pathetic freak! You are still doing that freaking things? Why don't you just knockout her and lock her in some freaking devious loft and looking at her every-fucking-day? You pathetic freak! "

I wrapped my arm around my knees, I knew this is coming. After I told San and Brit the story about Rachel and me when we were in winter breaks and drunk enough to say those things without a tear,Brittanycried and San became very furious. About my stupid freaking romance. She was furious about my 'dumb-Ro-fucking-meo sacrifice'. I said nothing only smiling at her woeful, I really was freak. How could someone live with such heavy, miserable, unknown love? It's too heavy, too distressing to sleep without pain, to awake without a sigh.

'Just tell her what you're thinking, you're fucking in love with her, you did the sacrifice to her which would make a human whoever has a heart or soul or something-stupid love you!' San said angrily, however I just smiled.

I could do anything for her but still, I can't make her love me. Not as the way I love her, not as the way she loved her boyfriends. Not any possibility she would love me.

"You know what? I tired of listening to your little pity-heart-talking. Q, would you open your remaining eye to see clearly that, you would die alone because of her! Why don't you just make up your poor mind to go get her? If she rejected you, at least you try! It's better for you than sitting in your disgusting lonely apartment waiting your body to be eaten by your dog!"

I chuckled. Sadly. "San, you know what happened when I was in her life. Do you think I could do that again? Do you think I regard my life above hers? Do you know me?"

"I am done with your pathetic talking." with that she hung up.

I hugged myself firmly. The day was still cold, the shadow of my fate beccame grave. But I have no escape.

And I don't want to.

Rachel was happy. She could accident run into me, talked to me without been hurt. That was enough. She could look at me with those beautiful brown eyes, worried about me, cared about me. She was looking at me with concerned. Just think about the memories, I felt completed. My live was completed, my waiting and my suffering was worthy of.

It's ok, San, if you knew how much I love Rachel, if you knew how much I could do for her, if you knew how much willpower I used to keep myself come to her, you would know that my agony is nothing compared to Rachel's happiness.


	8. Chapter 8

8

I was still waiting for Rachel. And something changed. Rachel knew me was there. She would glance around when she got out the theatre, I knew she was looking for me. And I didn't waste time to hiding. I wanted her to see me. With the long, silent, dark distance, her eyes glimpse at me then looked away. Sometimes, when she got into the cab, she straightened up to look at me, who standing across the street leaning against the street lamp. In those several seconds, I smiled at her, I had no idea whether she saw the smile or not, but I smiled. Sometimes I thought I saw her looking at me with thoughtful eyes, her hand on the cab door lifted up a little as if trying to wave at me.

It must have been imagine. But Rachel was always so polite. Even though I was the person insulted her in high school, causing her run away from a café shop and hit by a car, she still came to me and save me. What if it was not imagine? I really had no idea what to do, how to respond.

Two months later, the air in the night became to warm up. I can smell the summer was coming. I was waiting again, remembering the Spanish appendix of irregular verbs. People passed by me, it's the time the casts were about to appear. I waited patiently, seeing Rachel as her usual routine, saying goodbye to them and went to the cab.

She stopped at the door, said something to the driver. The car drove away.

There was nothing between us, I saw her looked straight to me.

We stood like that. I leaning against the lamp, smile faded.

She walked cross the street, direct to me.

"Hi." she greeted me a little uncertain.

"Hi." I said back, straight up.

After a few heavy minutes, she said, "do you want some coffee?"

I blinked several times, unsure if I heard right. "Yeah.. Sure.."

She nodded a little, "come with me."

She leaded the way, I followed like a puppy finally find her master. I saw her from behind. She was still short, under the average, she was slim. She wear a pair of tennis shoes, a black design dress hug her well. Her long brown hair waving and reflecting the light like silk. She was beautiful. And became more beautiful every single day.

We walked pass two block and go into a small coffee shop. She stoped and looked up at me, "Hot Latte with cinnamon ,no sugar?"

I nodded. Until her ordered I realized that she remember what I said to her when we were web friends. A silly smile crossed my eyes. How easily did I get happy?

I rushed to the casher wanted to pay. "My treat." Rachel simply said. I said nothing, waiting for our coffee. I got the coffee followed Rachel to a table.

She sipped her black tea, looking outside the window. I cupped my coffee, uneasy about the situation. I glanced at her and the room, I didn't know what to say.

"How was your day?" she suddenly asked, looking at me.

"Good." I replied. After thought, I added, "my job tired me."

"You got a job? Didn't you go to college?"

"I did. I am in NYU. Study in literature." I remembered that she already knew that, "I got a part-time job at Mcdonald's. "

She smiled softly, "Great."

"How was your day?"

"As usual, rehearsal. I went to the helps to build camps for homeless men, and went to the central park fed the pigeons." She peered at the window thoughtful. "I thought it's you who sent me to the hospital. I heard you before I was unconscious. But when I woke up my dads said you were gone."

I looked down at my hands, and then looked at the window. I saw her reflection in it.

"Yeah. I sent you to hospital, I left until you fathers went there. "

"Didn't come back?" she saw me in the mirror-like window.

I averted my sight, "no."

She nodded.

Then we went back to daily life. Our talk were short, Rachel's always longer than me, but not as long as her usually speech. I tried so hard to keep myself from staring at her. I glanced at her in the mirror-like window, I glimpsed at her through my lash, I peered at her when she smiles at me. The warmness in the room brought some flush to her check. I tilted my head to see clearly.

Everytime she smiled, everytime she amused waved at me, everytime she laughed throwing her head back, I can't help but raised the corners of the mouth. I felt so silly and childish. But I was happier more than ever. I felt so completed from the first time in my life. Even happier than the time I arrivedNew Yorkwith an idea that I was in the same city with Rachel.

Out little chat last to the mid-night. Rachel got her purse, I walked her to her cab, looking her went away.

Day by day, night after night, Rachel may wave at me when she saw me standing somewhere. And where I stood waiting for her was become more near the theatre. I didn't need to hide myself, I can receive her smile, her wave. I can see her clearly, the glinting in her eyes.

Sometimes, Rachel came to me and we went to the same coffee shop to get something warm, chatted about the weather and how about each other's day. I still followed her every twitter so I already knew hers. To my surprise, she enjoyed my boring daily life. Or maybe it's because I talked about it in an entertaining way. I was good at words.

I got some article published. Though they were not onNew Yorktime, they were in some literary magazines. So I insisted that payed the coffee each time after my works published. Rachel was happy for me, I knew that she was sincere. The way her eyes shined was no way to mistake.

But my poor precious time was not frequently. Other nights, after I received nothing but a glance, I went to the bar nearby, got drunk, got laid with any pretty brunette.

I think this will be the rest of my life. Rachel and I was acquaintanceship, and that is enough for me. I slept with every same type brunette when I horny and drunk, never loved another one and never be loved back. I rejected some kindly sweet girl, who trying to rescue one hopeless dispirited blonde. I refused to let anyone love me. I refused be loved, if I would never be loved by the only one I loved.


	9. Chapter 9

9

That was a quiet relaxed night, except that Rachel didn't give me a single glance. I went to the nearest bar and ordered two tequila shot, tossed them off. Half an hour later, I felt my eyes burning and my face heated. I laughed dryly, bitter, like the tequila and the dried tears deep inside my heart.

"Trying to scorch your throat?"

I peered at a brunette woman, who among middle thirty old with big brown eyes, came from nowhere and somehow seemed to be interesting in me.

"No mood to getting laid."

She laughed, waved the waiter to get a cup of beer, "it's not polite to say these to elders. Quinn."

I raised one brow at her, "Do I know you? Did I have sex with you before?"

She laughed again, much amused, "Not a chance. You are famous, a blonde who always drunk and took a young brunette home , left before the morning. "

"I have job in the morning." I murmured, "Who can blame me?"

"You such a kid." She smiled gently, "So, you don't have a mood to bring someone home? Someone to meet your imagine, to make you imagine having sex with your dream?"

I narrowed my eyes. She is something. I can't put my finger on it, but I knew she is up to something.

"What do you want?" I sipped my fourth tequila. "I am not interested in you."

"Me too. I am only interested in blonde, who are male and at my age. "

I looked at her thoughtful, "I must see you before….you are Rachel's fellow cast. " I remember she, maybe play some role with Rachel.

"Wow, it's my honor to been remembered. I thought you would ever lay an eye on anyone but Rachel."

I squinted at her, saying slowly, "What do you want?"

She shook her eyes, "You such a kid."

We drank in silent.

"I used to have one guy looking at me as the way you looked Rachel." she said suddenly, "I thought he was the love of my life. He never said he loved me, but we were a couple anyway. I was much younger then, maybe at you age. One day I came home from work, there is an accident in the corner of the street. I thought: oh, what a pity. And I went home, got a call said my boyfriend was died from a car crush. " she smiled sadly, "he was the guy who been hit in the corner of the street. He was coming home with a ring in his hand. He was going to proposal."

I sipped my drink. What could I say?

Two broken heart, one dear night.

"I moved toNew Yorkand nearly throw myself to every guy looks like him. Sky-blue eyes, short curled blonde hair, two inches taller than me…"

She looked like lost in memories. I waited patiently, felt sorry for her.

She sipped her drink, eyes lost focus. Several minutes later, she finally looked at me again, "You just like me ten years ago, feeling hopeless and has no better way to get out the pain."

I blinked then sigh, "What do you want, stranger?"

"You have a chance I didn't have. Rachel is alive. Rachel could reply you. You could have Rachel in your life."

I sneered, nearly laugh, "If I could do that, I were not sitting here with you. I would be sitting with Rachel instead of! I would have liven in a happy fairytale!"

"Then why are you sitting here?"

I squinted at her, smiled sadly. I couldn't tell her what happened between Rachel and I , she was Rachel's…maybe friend or something.

"Because, because if I approach Rachel, she would be hit by misfortune. Every time, I wanted to catch her, she suffered. I can't have her in my life! She would get hurt…She was like a little beautiful canary, if I had her in my hands, I would break her wings. She is the golden star in the sky, I would only covered her light. She is the slender firelight in the wind, I can't keep her bright, safe, happy and loved…."

"Lilies and roses, a card with 'best wishes' and no signature. Waiting outside the theatre almost every night. Looking at her like the world wasn't existed. Talk to her with shaking body, even though I was far far away I still saw that."

I laughed out dryly, sounded more like cough.

"You want her in your life. Even just a glimpse from her will make you feel like you have her. Why are you waiting for? To see her with her boyfriends? Jessie, Tom, you must have seen them. To see her single again? To see her everyday like somehow you were someone in her life, waiting for her to come to you? What do you want from your waiting? Are you waiting for her to greeting you? Are you waiting every night, for her occasionally ask you to have coffee with her? You say you couldn't have her, then why are you sending flowers and waiting, to remind her that you are there, waiting for her?"

Because I love her! God, I love her so much, so much I want to die!

I must too drunk, cause I heard my voice above the music. Then I knew that I really said it out.

My hands were shaking, my sight was not clear. Maybe I was crying now but I didn't know.

"I love her. I loved her from one unknown day when we were teens, I loved her when I didn't even realize. I followed her My Space, I followed her toNew York, I waited for her every night. I can't make her love me, at least allow me see her! Allow me to be someone in her life. An acquaintance, a fan who would wait her to see her happy or not, a girl who would do anything for her and she don't need to know that. I just, if I can't love her, have her in my life, at least allow me to be someone, anyone, anything. To make her look at me…."

I was sobbing. I was crying to this woman's shoulder. She patted my back gently, soothing me. I felt so angry, about my lost-control, about I was crying. I was angry about some stranger break into my walls so easily.

I eventually had to face my heart—I want Rachel in my life. I denied it, buried it under the guilty and missing. I want Rachel more than everyone, everything I have ever seen and ever imagined. But I refused to admit that I was trying to have her.

Now my walls fell down, because of a stranger, I felt so vulnerable.

"How horrible person I am. I cause her in pain, but I still want to get her!" I sobbed, "I want her, every night I dream about her, I think it won't hurt if I only have her in a dream. It hurts. It hurts like hell! I want her, only when I see her I feel alive. I am sick, I am insane….but I love her… I want her. I need her. I need to be near her. I need to be someone she would look at…God , I am so sick!"

The woman rubbed circles on my back, "it's ok." she said it over and over again. But I was not ok. I am broken.

"It's ok. It will be alright. " she said softly. I coughed in tears.

"You have suffered enough, kid. You can't resist what you want, how you felt. Don't deny yourself. No one would love you if you don't love yourself. Kiddo…." She smoothes my hair, "just crying your heart our. You have to be in pain for confronting yourself. It' ok. Everyone go through this, so do you."

review would be appreciated. and this angst story will soon end. looks like teens enjoy humor more.


	10. Chapter 10

10

I woke up in my apartment the next day. My head hurt, my eyes burned from crying I-don't-know-how-long. The woman must have sent me home.

I found no note or something else, last night was real or a dream? I couldn't tell. But I knew one thing for sure: I couldn't deny my desire forever. It is killing my inside. I have to follow my heart. I have to try, even only once, a friendship will be my own fairytale.

A few days after, Rachel once again outside the theatre waited for a cab. I approached her, eventually got up my courage.

"hey, Rachel ."

She looked quite surprise, "Oh, hi.. I mean good evening Quinn. How are you doing?"

"I am fine…" I paused, "Do, do you want to have a drink with me? "

It's my first time say it. Feeling so hard to do this, my heart was racing like a crazy rabbit.

She looked more surprise now. She run her finger through her hair, "Yeah, sure. why not."

We went to the same coffee shop, talking like other days. But I knew Rachel feeling uncomfortable. She smiled were tight, not faked, but she was nervous.

When we finished, I walked her to the street waiting for cab. The streets almost were empty, Rachel looked up to the sky. I follow her action. A first-quarter moon was lying in the sky, diffusing the dim blue white light cross the darkness.

A cab stopped in front of us. She opened the door.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah?" she looked at me with question eyes.

"Can, can I have you cell number? " how much stammer am I tonight? "We should have some drink when you're free, or brunch, or something, if you don't mind I mean."

Her eyes widened. We stood awkward for few seconds, "Well, I guess it will be fun. My schedule quite busy these days, but in the morning it will be fine."

I grabbed my phone handed to her. She typed then gave it back to me. She looked at me in the eyes, before I could replay, she got in the car closed the door.

I standing there gripped my phone watching it went away.

We had brunch several times. In the centre park, watching peoples and horses. The view was peaceful, I felt the most peaceful in my life. Rachel laughed, her eyes glanced the kids and the puppies. We talked quietly, smiled at the morning view ofNew York.

In those days, I was lifeful to face the world. I was in good mood in such a long term. I felt that after everything happen, after so much drama, I finally turned my life back to normal. Having a part-time job, studying hard, having fun with friends and most of all, I have Rachel now. Even I was not sure how to define us. I have her in my life, that was enough.

But peace was born to be break. While one night I waited outside, Rachel came out leaning in a dark hair man. He looked at her as the way I did. And Rachel, Rachel was enjoying his accompany. The casts made jokes, she laughed and patted him on the shoulder. My blood burned at the sight.

Rachel did not lay an eye on me. The man opened the door a BMW for her. She thanked him in a cheesy way.

They were gone, left me in the hot summer night, heart aching for the sight, heartbroken again.

After that night, I saw her with that man every night. She barely noticed me, no wave, no eyes contact, no more coffee. She rejected my brunch invite. I throw myself nearly every night to any brunette again.

I had enough. I couldn't stand it anymore. Tonight, I came to her, ignored that guy grabbed her wrist tugged her away.

Rachel gave that stupid guy an apologize, followed me in silent.

I tugged her into a bar, ordered my drink, then questioned her with my eyes.

We barely said a word. I finished three vodka, Rachel had two gin.

"I have to go home. I have rehearsal tomorrow." as she said, we went outside. When she climbed into the cab, I opened the door of passenger seat and got in.

I followed her into her apartment building, into the elevator.

In front of the door of her apartment, Rachel did no action to open it. She just faced it. I said no word.

She sighed, turned around, "Qui…"

I grabbed her cheek and kissed her.

She must been too shock to do nothing, until I felt her hands on my shoulder pushed me back.

"What are you doing, Quinn!"

I kissed her again, and got been push back. Got a lap on my face.

"What are you doing! Quinn!"

"I love you Rachel, I love you."

She stared at me, mouth opened, eyes widened and glinting. That look, oh that look on her face again! Having no emotion and everything wrote in her eyes at the same time.

Yes, then you would run away from me again. But this time, please say something before you go. Say something to end my life.

Shout at me, be angry about me, who was the torturer of your high school, the Lucy connected with you three years ago, the pathetic girl who loved you all her life, and will love you for the rest of her life, the freak stalked you, the monster who destroyed you once. Tell me, Rachel, tell me I am a god damn freak. Tell me go to hell for my pathetic, hopeless love—a word from you beautiful lips, a word in your delicious voice, I will kick off my whole life, kill the gods on theOlympus. I will climb out my grave and run away from the heaven or hell. I will do anything just for your words. Even that it is the miserable foretell of my already ended life.

Rachel—the golden star of Broadway, the star of my own darkest night, the sunlight greeting me everyday, the dream I have since I was young and did not realize, the girl has a large vocabulary—use your words and your angelic voice, kill me with kindness.

She laughed.

She laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes.

"You love me? You love me, Quinn? " she paused to laugh again, dryly, "You love me so you slushed me? You love me so you tortured me? You love me so you pretended been another person, a nice and sweet girl, to break my heart again?"

"No, no! I wanted to know you. I wanted to know how was your life when you were far away! I…." I was been cut by her raised voice.

"Then you could break me?" she said bitterly, "Why didn't you just leave me alone? Just, leave me to myself? "

I wish I could. But I can't, with my whole willpower I still can't do that. I love you so much Rachel, I just want to be in your life. an acquaintance, a fan, a passer-by everyday on your way…I want to be someone, anyone anything, just don't pass over me without a glimpse.

"You were the only one would talk to me in sincere when everyone ignored me, you were the one who made me smile when I was in middle school. You were the one who connected with me for three years. You were the one who knew me the most. You played with my heart. You played so well that I fell for you! "

I saw a tear falling on her check, glinting like a star fell down. I stretched out my hand to wipe it. Rachel beat my hand away, "Don't! Don't you dare to touch me!"

She angrily wiped tears away, "After everything….after I woke up in hospital where were you? I wanted to see you the most, more than my dads! Where were you Quinn? I remembered that you were holding me before I passed out. When I woke up, I wanted to see you there! Where were you? I thought you run away, the show was over and you went away…just like you always did. I said to myself I would been over you.

But the flowers, Barbra CD, those candies…The same flowers in my opening night! Always there in my dressing room, the empty seat in the front row….the nights you standing under the lamp, you looked at me like I was precious…

Why did you just leave me alone? "

Rachel grabbed my collar looking into my eyes. She was crying, so hard I felt my heart break into pieces.

I said it in the lowest voice, I thought I almost whispered to her heart, "Because, I, love you."

She laughed a little but the tears fell down more, her grabbing tightened, " you won't leave. Then why can't I leave you alone?

I questioned myself over and over, why can't I leave you alone? ….why can't I act like you, insult you, ignore you, pass over you without a lash bat? Why can't I do it?

You are like a hunter, wherever I go, whenever I am, I see you. I see you every where…in my dream, you were there…"

Her forehead leaned against my chest, she whispered in a soft but broken voice, "Why can't I just let you go?"

She was sobbing into my heart. Waveringly I raised my arm, wrapped around her loosely.

"If you won't let me go, why couldn't I?"

I tighten my hug, holding her firmly. I buried my face into her long hair, sunk into her heavenly scent. Sunk into the deep sorrow surrounded us.

That night Rachel and I slept together. Typically, we slept in the same bed. Rachel cuddled into my arms, gripped my shirt like I were the only thing she could get.

I hold her, smoothed her, humming the song a song I always sing to myself when I felt sad.

"One day when we were young, a wonderful morning in May, you told me you loved me, when we were young one day…

Sweet songs of spring were sung, and music was never so gay, you told me you love me, when we were young one day. you told me you loved me and held me close to your heart. we laughed then, we cried then, then came the time to part…"

My tears finally fell down. I closed my eyes but it didn't work, so I let go. I eventually face myself and follow my heart.

I don't know where it leads me. I were a leaf drifting in the big river, been flowing to the unknown.

"When songs of spring are sung, remember that morning in May. Remember, you loved me, when we were young one day."

—

This is the ending. The western novels have the endings different from eastern.

Eastern novels like a round. Where it ends, where it begin.

My friends and I have a common view that, when a reader love to read angst and hurt/comfort, they either have too much sorrow so that want to be connected with the character to decrease their own, or they lead a happy and somehow bored life so want to something new and touch their heart. I just soliloquize.

I am suck at grammar, but I try my best.

After all—thank you for reading.


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